


That Useless Word Called Love

by Octoberrose11



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: AU, Angst, Australia, Bottom Louis, Car Sex, Fluff, Future Fic, Growing Up Together, London, M/M, Pool Sex, Post Break Up, Post-Zayn One Direction, Rimming, Slow Burn, Smut, Toddler Louis, Top Zayn, Witch Niall, and i just spent 25 minutes redoing the tags, band au, de aged louis, de aged zayn, lovers to enemies to friends to lovers, so they'd make more sense, this is all kim's fault, toddler Zayn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2018-09-22 09:54:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9602579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Octoberrose11/pseuds/Octoberrose11
Summary: There should be a saying, or a proverb really, about not pissing a drunk Irish witch off. Especially if said Irish witch is one of your best friends. Double if said Irish witch has threatened to hex you more then twice in the past hour alone.  Triple if you knew he actually would hex you, or what ever the fuck he did.There isn’t a saying, or a proverb.Unfortunately.In reality, Louis really should have known better. He’s known Niall for over seven years now and he knows Niall’s moods better then he knows his own sometimes. Louis knows how far he can push Niall before he explodes and yet, here he is.This, as wild as it may seem, is how Louis ends up a three year old. This is also how his former best friend (and ex boyfriend) turned into a three year old with him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thezaynlife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thezaynlife/gifts).



> blame Kim for this I am so sorry it's all her fault

There should be a saying, or a proverb really, about not pissing a drunk Irish witch off. Especially if said Irish witch is one of your best friends. Double if said Irish witch has threatened to hex you more then twice in the past hour alone. Triple if you knew he actually would hex you, or what ever the fuck he did. 

There isn’t a saying, or a proverb.

Unfortunately. 

In reality, Louis really should have known better. He’s known Niall for over seven years now and he knows Niall’s moods better then he knows his own sometimes. Louis knows how far he can push Niall before he explodes and yet, here he is. 

This, as wild as it may seem, is how Louis ends up a three year old. This is also how his former best friend (and ex boyfriend) turned into a three year old with him. 

*&*&*&*&*&*&

The sound of the door unlocking makes Niall look up from where he’s seated at the only table in the room. He blinks at Harry who blinks back, his eyes widening when he takes in the people who occupy the room besides Niall. 

“Niall....” Harry drawls out, head tilted to the side from where he stands outside the hotel room door, “Is there something you want to tell me?” 

“Nah.” Niall shrugs. “Pretty sure you know all my secrets mate.” He’s unconcerned with the look Harry is giving him, flipping through the room service book with interest, even though Harry’s pretty sure he’s already had breakfast that morning. Actually he knows Niall has already had breakfast, spying the cart and tray that’s pushed against his closet door.

Harry nods slowly, lips coming out into a pout. “That doesn’t explain why there’s two toddlers on your bed right now.” He pushes past Niall and moves to look at the child closer. “And it doesn’t explain why you didn’t invite me to the toddler party.” His lip pouts out further, making huge sad eyes over his shoulder at Niall. 

“Hey! Watch who you’re fucking calling a toddler!” The little boy sat up and frowned up at him. “I’m twenty six you asshole!” 

Tilting his head to the side Harry squints. “Louis?” He asks slowly. It looks like Louis, maybe if Louis was a toddler, and the toddler has the same accent as Louis but like. Louis is an adult not a toddler.

“Make Niall turn me back right this instant!” He demands, stomping a foot down on the bed. It probably would be more tantrum like if he didn’t wobble and almost fall over as he did so. The toddler who was sleeping next to him stirred, an angry frown on his face, but didn’t wake up completely, face relaxing again into sleep. 

“What exactly did you do to Niall to make him do this to you?” Harry asks, head still titled and eyes squinted. “We both know Niall and he wouldn’t do this to you if you hadn’t given him a reason to.” 

“Hazza!” Louis whines it out. “You’re suppose to be on my side! You’re as big of a prat as Niall is!”

Niall finally crosses the room to join them, arms crossed across his chest. “I’ll tell you what the little fucker did,” he says, ignoring the angry look Harry gives him for cussing in front of the children (even if one of the children is Louis Tomlinson), “for one he made Liam cry last night.” 

“Louis!” Harry snaps out, suprised. Louis and Liam are best friends now, almost as close as Harry and Louis, constantly getting into mischief and being told off by their bodyguards. 

“And he threw his phone against the wall again, fourth one this month.” Niall rolls his eyes skyward. “He threatened to kill that one,” he nods at the other boy who’s still trying to wake up, “when he got in this morning. Woke me up with their yelling in the hallway, even though I’m pretty sure Louis was told to stay in his room until someone came to get him. I mean I get it, he’s still pissed because Zayn left and because they broke up but it’s time to fucking get over it.” He glared at Louis, even as he snapped the last sentence. 

“He deserves it!” Louis cries, “Liam is mine! My Liam!” An angry tear makes it’s way down his face, joined by another, and then he’s sobbing. “My Liam! He can’t have him!”

“What the fuck?” Harry mouths at Niall, moving to pick Louis up and cuddle him in his arms. “It’s okay babe,” He soothes, “No one is trying to take Liam away from you.” He runs a gentle hand down Louis’ back, a little concerned with the force of Louis’ sobs. 

“Z- Zayn is!” He hiccups out, pointing at the other boy in case Harry didn’t understand who he was talking about. “L- Liam’s always liked him more then me!” He bursts into renewed tears, clawing at the back of Harry’s t-shirt, afraid Harry is going to put him down and disappear. “A- and now that Zayn’s back he’s gonna take Zayn’s side! Cause he always does!”

“What the hell did you do to him Niall?” Harry hisses at him, continuing to run a soothing hand up and down Louis’ back. He’s small for a toddler, though he could be considered small for an adult male too, and light but he feels comfortable in Harry’s arms. 

Niall shrugs, unbothered. “Turned them into children ‘cause that’s the way they be behaving.” He says, turning to blink at Harry. “‘Cept I fucked it up and now they’re actually going to act their age ‘til they turn back to being adults. If they ever return back to adults.”

Harry closes his eyes, pained, “Niall. We have an interview- for the five of us- in five days. The four of us have an interview in half an hour. It’s supposed to be the first interview the five of us has done together since Zayn left. It’s supposed to be the interview where we assure everyone that we’re still best friends and that we still love each other!” Harry’s voice is shrill by the end of his mini rant, Louis has stopped crying and is staring at him in shock and Harry notes, in an out of it kind of way, that Zayn is awake and also staring at him in the same manner.

Niall shrugs again. “We’re not best friends though,” he points out. “Louis would probably kill Zayn given half a chance.” He narrows his eyes at Harry. “And to be honest you’d probably kill Zayn for Louis if he asked you.”

“I would not! I don’t have anything against Zayn!” He turns to look at Zayn, who looks sleepy and adorably confused. “I don’t have anything against you, Zed, promise.”

“He made Louis cry, you hate him.” Niall says flatly. 

“I don’t hate him!” 

“Hate who?” Liam asks, walking into the room, rubbing at his eyes sleepily. “And why are you guys yelling so early in the morning anyways? I figured you’d still be asleep, love.” He presses a kiss to the side of Harry’s head, still trying to blink himself awake. “You went to bed pretty late last night.” He smirks, pleased with himself, not having to tell anyone in the room it was his fault that Harry was up late in the first place. 

“I’m trying to explain to Niall that I don’t hate Zayn.”

“Of course you don’t hate Zayn, no one can hate Zayn.”

“I do!” Louis’ small voice pipped up from where he was still on Harry’s hip. His eyes, bright red from crying, and his face still sticky from his tears, gleamed a little from delight. He was so tall when Harry holds him!

“Who is this?” Liam asked, his voice going soft and baby like. “I didn’t know someone was bringing their kid on tour with us!” He glared at Harry. “We could have been having so much fun! I think we passed a zoo yesterday! Why didn’t anyone tell me that we had a kid on the tour?” 

“I’m not a fucking child Liam!” Louis would have slammed his fist against something if Harry wasn’t still holding him. “It’s me, Louis!”

Liam whipped his head around to stare at Louis. “What? What?!” He turned to look at Niall. “What?” 

Harry shifts Louis in his arms to look at the watch on his wrist. “For fuck’s sake, Niall can explain it to you as we go, we have an interview in ten minutes. Liam, grab Zayn. I’ll take Louis. Let’s move.” 

Liam opens his mouth to argue but seems to consider again when Harry shoots him an unamused glare. He picks up the other boy, who he assumes is Zayn, who willingly snuggles into his arms, shooting Louis a smug look, and follows Harry out the door, shooting questions at Niall as fast as he can think of them. 

*$*$*$*$*$*

The problem becomes, as they enter the interview room, that everyone seems to see Zayn and Louis as the children they have been deaged to. Which means the other three needs to come up with an excuse for where they are, and why exactly they have toddlers with them. And why the toddlers look like a young Zayn and Louis. 

Harry shrugs off Lou’s questioning looks and calls the crew to gather around them, bouncing a still cranky Louis on his hip. “Thanks for coming to the meeting, everyone. I’m sure you all have some questions and honestly,” shooting a glare at Niall he adds, “frankly so do I. To start with Niall, Liam and I have to decided to send Zayn and Louis away for a little while, until they get their shit together.

“I don’t know if they will be back in time for our interview later this week, but Louis for sure won’t be back in time for the one today. I know this is an inconvenience but the three of us thought it would be the best.” 

“Do you think they won’t try to kill each other?” John, their tour manager asks under his breath, everyone having filled him in on the situation before Zayn had flown in. “From what you all have told me it sounds like a bad idea to leave them alone.”

Liam clears his throat, stepping to stand hip to hip with Harry. “We aren’t expecting them to become best friends again, or even expecting them to get back together,” he smiles at everyone, willing his eyes to crinkle, “but we’re hoping that by forcing them in close quarters together will make them overcome what ever happened between them.” 

Niall fakes a laugh. “It would be nice to have the five of us together without the fear of bloodshed.” He turns a glare onto the two toddlers, both leaning closer to the other boys for protection. 

“As for who these cuties are,” Harry continues as if he’d never been interrupted, “Zayn and Louis had both agreed to watch their cousin’s kids for a while. Apparently their family genes are very strong.” Everyone blinks at him for a moment, but Harry continues to look zen, and unconcerned with anything.

“Honestly guys, you’re just better off rolling with it,” Liam says a bit helplessly. “Someone needs to contact management while the three of us figure out what we’re going to do with these two cuties until Zayn and Louis get back. Niall is going to talk to the hotel and tell them we only need two bedrooms instead of four, aren’t you Niall?” 

Niall shrugs, also unconcerned. 

Liam shakes his head, done with everything. “Can someone go to town and buy some clothes or something? I don’t know what all toddlers need but I imagine we’d be better off stocking up now then a week from now when one of them gets sick or something.” 

Lou shakes her head. “I’ll go. I need to pick Lux some things from town anyways.” She excuses herself with a final glare at Harry, and a whispered, “I know there’s more going on then you’re telling me,” at Niall, before she’s gone. 

John sighs. “I guess you can all go back to bed, or the pool or whatever. I’ll go let the interviewer know you won’t be down today and then do my best to clear your schedules for the rest of the week.”

“Best make it two, thanks John.” 

Everyone scatters after that, more then a few people mumbling under their breath about how fucked up it is that they’re going to have to go tear the stage down after just putting it up. None of the boys pay attention to that though, the three who are their correct age more amused at watching Louis and Zayn stick their middle fingers up at each other. 

It’s going to be a long week, if this is how the two of them are going to behave. A very, very long week.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hush little baby lyrics taken from http://www.babycenter.com/0_lullaby-lyrics-hush-little-baby_6730.bc
> 
> this is a filler chapter, sorry. More exciting things happen next time. Also notice I added two more expected chapters :D

Louis has been screaming and sobbing for over an hour now. 

Harry and Liam had decided to take one of the kids each and try to put them down for a nap and they decided that Harry would take Louis and Liam would take Zayn. It didn’t go over well with Louis and Harry can feel a migraine coming on. 

“Hush little baby don’t say a word, Harry’s going to buy you a mocking bird.”

He’s getting to the end of his rope, and he’s great with kids, okay? He knows how to charm babies and toddler and he knows how to make them listen. He also knows Louis and he knows that the older man won’t stop screaming until he gets what he wants. 

“And if that mocking bird won’t sing, Harry’s going to buy you a diamond ring.”

It’s a battle of the wills and Harry is going to win, even if it means he has to walk the same path repeatedly, pouncing Louis gently on his hip. Realistically he knows that Niall fucked up the spell, that Louis might really be in his twenties but right now Louis is feeling three, so he’s going to act three and he can’t help himself for doing it. 

“And if that diamond ring turns to brass, Harry’s gonna buy you a looking glass..”

And he knows, realistically, that giving Louis what he wants would be the easiest thing, he knows he should go down the hall and switch toddlers with Liam, if only so that Louis doesn’t make himself sick. But he doesn’t.

“And if that looking glass gets broke, Harry’s gonna buy you a billy goat.”

Louis has always been his best friend, okay? The one that he’s closest to in the band. Okay, and things change sometimes. Lately Harry had been spending more time with Niall, maybe. And maybe in the past Louis had spent more time with Zayn, and then with Liam before he and Liam had gotten together. But still, Harry knew Louis better then any of the other boys. 

“And if that billy goat won’t pull, Harry’s gonna buy you a cart and a bull.”

He’d lived for him for god’s sake. 

“And if that cart and and bull turn over, Harry’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover.”

He should be able to calm Louis down by himself. He should be enough. 

“And if that dog named Rover won’t bark, Papa's gonna buy you a horse and cart.”

He should go get Liam, or even Niall, to help him. Instead he rests his head on top of Louis’ and joins him in crying. They’re both too tired to do any good right now, and Harry doesn’t even care that he’s twenty four. A good cry has never done anyone any harm. 

 

^* ^* ^* ^* ^* ^* ^*

Across the hall Liam isn’t fairing much better, though Zayn isn’t screaming or crying. It seems that toddler Zayn isn’t as quiet or as shy as adult Zayn, he won’t stop talking for anything and he mostly talks about Louis. Okay. He only talks about Louis. 

It’d be fine, you know, if he wasn’t talking about how much he missed Louis’ dick, or kissing Louis, or holding Louis’ hand. Or you know, it was innocent toddler speak since he is a toddler right now. 

Now Liam knows way too much about Zayn and Louis’ past sex life, and the future sex life Zayn would like to have with him. 

Honestly, Liam wanted nothing more then for Zayn to fall asleep so he can go across the hall and make out with his boyfriend for a little while and then cuddle and fall asleep, maybe they could even watch a TV show together and order room service but Zayn is a fucking toddler so that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen any time soon. 

Zayn takes a deep breath and Liam braces himself but, “Do you think Louis really hates me,” with a lisp isn’t what he expected to come out of Zayn’s mouth, and Liam is left blinking at him in shock. Zayn takes his silence as a yes though, and his eyes fill with tears. 

“No, shit babe!” Liam shifts them around so he’s cradling Zayn in his arms instead of on his hip. He runs a hand through Zayn’s hair, laughing when he glares at him, happy that some things stay the same no matter how old the other boys are. “You know Louis loves you, you know all of us loves you babe.” 

Zayn whines, and shakes his head, clinging tighter to Liam’s shirt, smearing tears and snot along behind him. “He hates me, he’s always going to hate me.”

“Listen to me, babe, he doesn’t hate you. You know Louis, he loves and feels deeply. You hurt him when you left, and the hiatus hurt him too, though he’d never admit it.”

“I didn’t want to leave! I had to! If I didn’t I was going to die, Liam!”

“Sh, sh, I know babe, I know. And somewhere within Louis he knows it too.” Liam soothes. “It’s just, he thought when you left the band that you didn’t have to leave him too, you know?” 

“I didn’t want to leave him!” Zayn protests, “I asked him to come with me, and he said no. He picked where he wanted, and I didn’t come high enough for him. I didn’t matter.” He drags his small fists across his eyes and yawns, fighting off sleep. 

“The problem is, babe, you both love each other too much. And Louis loves One Direction too much, more then anything else in the world.” 

Zayn’s bottom lip trembles. “I love One Direction too.” He begins to cry, great sobs that shakes his whole body with the force of them, his toddler body exhausted. “I love you boys too.” 

Liam hums, and sways the two of them, humming “Strong” under his breath, hoping that Harry is having better luck down the hall then he is.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning the only one who looks even remotely rested is Niall. The four of them are sitting around a table in the kitchens at the hotel, Harry and Liam both trying to stay awake in their coffee but doing a bad job, Zayn and Louis whining about having to drink milk but the wait staff not wanting to give two seemingly toddlers tea or coffee and be liable for stunting their growth, especially not two toddlers related to two famous pop stars who could and would sue if something happened to their family under the hotel’s watch. 

Louis yawns and whines at Harry, until he forks another spoon full of yogurt in his mouth, Zayn watching them with narrow eyes, Liam has his eyes closed and resting on his palm, but he keeps promising he’s awake when Harry asks. 

Niall beams at them as he sits down next to Zayn, pulling a pile of pancakes towards him. “So boys! What’s the plan for today?” He asks, taking a giant bite. He crosses his eyes to try and make Louis laugh, and frowns when Louis just pouts back at him. “What’s up with all of you?” He demands to know, taking a bite of bacon. “You’re all acting like Christmas just got cancelled.” 

“It’s worse then that,” Harry moans, “Louis didn’t go to bed until after four in the morning.” He takes a huge gulp of coffee, trying to wake himself up, but knowing it’s not going to work. 

“I have you beat, Haz, Zayn didn’t go to bed until five.” 

Niall blinks at both at them for a moment, then at his watch. “Fellas, it’s ten thirty in the morning right now, you gotta get your acts together, we’ve got the whole day ahead of us.” 

“I know, fuck do I know.” Harry allows his head to hit the table in front of him, not even concerned about what the hotel staff might think about him cursing in front of what appear to be toddlers, he’s so exhausted. 

“Listen,” Liam smiles pleasantly, with murder in his eyes, “Zayn would not stop fucking crying, okay, and that meant I had to stay up with him. And apparently Louis wouldn’t stop crying so Harry stayed up with him. You do not have a toddler to take care of so you don’t get to bitch about what time it is or what time we went to bed.” 

Niall shrugs. “Fair enough. So, what’s the plan for today?” He asks again. “There’s an aquarium and a zoo close by, and I think there’s a fair grounds. We can get them to shut them down for us if we asked, I bet.” 

Harry shakes his head, still pressed against the table. “First order of business is a nap for the four of us. And you,” he says, voice muffled, “have to talk to management still and explain why Louis is going to be out of commission for how ever long it takes for him to come back.” 

Niall shrugs and takes a drink of his tea. “Fair enough.” He turns his attention to the two three years olds who up until now have been entertaining themselves with crayons and paper the waitress had been kind enough to bring them. “These two will age back whenever they learn whatever they’re suppose to learn from the curse.” 

Harry sits up and squints at Niall. “Which is?” 

Niall shrugs again. “Hell if I know.”

Harry groans and falls first back into his plate of food. “At the rate we’re going they’re never going to age back up.” He moans. 

Liam sighs and rubs a hand on Harry’s back, watching the two toddlers color. “We always did want to adopt.” He muses, groaning when Harry elbows him in the side. 

“Not funny.” 

“I wasn’t trying to be.” 

“Okay boys, I’m off to call management!” Niall tells them with a bright smile. “And I’m going to call Zayn’s management too. And talk to Lou about the toddler shit we might need, who knows if they’re potty trained yet.” 

At this Louis looks up, affronted. “Excuse me Neil, I’m still fucking twenty six years old! I know how to fucking use to toilet!” 

He’s a little loud. A lot loud. 

The kitchens go quiet and every head turns to stare at them. Harry moans again and slides down in his seat, more embarrassed then he can remember being in a long time while Liam contemplates joining him under the table. 

Niall shrugs it off with a laugh. “Kid’s saying the weirdest things don’t they?” 

Everyone around them chuckles nervously in agreement. One Direction is still famous, is the thing, even though they’ve been on hiatus for a long time and they’ve lost popularity in some of the charts, they’re still famous enough to end anyone and everyone they put their minds to. 

“Now don’t mind me boys!” He waves at Harry and Liam, who are both still under the table, and presses a kiss to the side of Louis and Zayn’s heads. “Be good for your daddies,” he teases, “Uncle Niall has to go and talk to the mean people at management and tell them to fuck off, and I need to talk to Auntie Lou and see if she’s brought you guys presents yet.” 

Zayn finally looks up from his milkshake at that, his attention caught. “Prezies?” 

“Yehp! I bet she’s got you all kinds of cool toys to play with.” Niall gives them all another beaming smile and offers them a wave before he bounces off, no doubt to call management and to see about closing down the zoo for them later that day or something.

“Did she buy a football?” Louis asks Harry, who is still under the table, or more like demands to know.

“I don’t know babe,” Harry tells him, sliding back up in his seat, trying to pretend like the last half hour hadn’t happened. “She knows how much you enjoy playing football so she might have.” 

Liam sighs, trying to feed a tight lipped Zayn some turkey bacon. “But everyone else doesn’t know these two are also themselves, Haz,” he reminds him. “They think they’re cousins of Louis and Zayn.” He sighs again when he sees Louis’ eyes fill with tears. “Tell you what, love, if Lou didn’t buy you a football we can go buy you something after nap time, okay? As long as Zayn eats the rest of his breakfast.” 

“Zayn if you don’t eat I’m going to drown you during bath time.” Louis threatens, picking up his own pieces of bacon and shoving them in his mouth as fast as he can. 

Harry lets out a sigh of his own, “I won’t let him drown you, babe,” he promises, reaching around the two boys to take hold of Liam’s hand. It’s going to be the longest day ever, he has a feeling. And the day has just begun.


	4. Chapter 4

hey friends, sorry if you opened this and expected a chapter (I promise it's coming tomorrow or on Sunday). I just thought I'd post this (and delete it when I post the next chapter) to apologize for the long wait on an update. 

This year has been literal hell since April. 

My mom fell and shattered her elbow in April and she's had four surgeries since then. I started a new job to help try and pay for some of that which is good because in August she got a serious infection and was in the hospital for two and a half weeks and almost died. Between those times we almost lost my aunt once, my cousin has tried to kill herself at school twice, my cousin has announced that she's divorcing her husband, my grandma has been in the hospital- anyways the list is never ending. 

Thank you to all of you who've kept up with me on twitter and tumblr and offered thoughts and prayers. I'm downing a bunch of soda tonight to try and update to apologize for the delay. The chapter for twenty two months is finished, just needs to be edited, zouis fics will be updated next. 

That said please don't think any of these fics have been abandoned. I've been screaming at friends for months about the ideas I have and how excited I am to write the next part. I just haven't really had time to do so. Rip

Anyways I hope this finds all of you well and thank you again for all of your patience. 

All the love,   
Lee

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me at http://tommoandmalikpayne.tumblr.com/


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